swinging in the dark

swinging in the dark

( 8:07 PM ) kate
wassssup. dude how is it already july 19?! what the fuck?! ahhhhhh well time flies when youre.. working. haha. no its cool, this summer is fun, minus the whole being outside in heat and getting semi-tanned. ive always said i like the way i look more in the summer, because my hair is less red and my skin is less white.. not this year. oh well ill just be sure to lay out every day in new hampshire during prime sun hours. lol. maybe its just that this summer has sucked as far as being hot is concerned. who the hell knows, or cares, not me. my foot feels like its falling asleep. no ew stop! no talk about ew.. red chunky puke at work today. fabulous! lol what the hell is wrong with me?! i need to settle. basically i need something to doooo. hit me up yo. ok this is lame. #

( 1:47 AM ) kate
tonight was refreshing and fun. good times messing with people online.. and of course defending ourselves to pricky boys.. lol. tom green, simple plan, monopoly, lots of laughter.. oh man my bathroom smells like grapefruit, what the fuck?! #

( 9:21 AM ) kate
i think i post on this thing far too much but whatever. i guess ill just have to deal with the patheticness of my life. haha. people are funny things, because you put so much faith in what they say and then when it falls through, when they let you down, when they dont call.. you say youre through. you wont trust so easily next time. next time, you wont get so damn attached. youll be more careful. and yet somehow, next time always turns out exactly like last time. next time you get hurt in the exact same ways all over again because youve convinced yourself that somehow this one is different, you can trust this one, this is one of the "good ones". so all of your inhibition and fear and holding back and caution goes flying out the window and you pour everything into this one person only to be let down and hurt again. mr pettek would have a heart attack if he read this. my bad, change all of those "yous" to "i". i language. right. so anyways, now i find myself back in this place of swearing off guys, swearing that i wont just completely trust them and believe in them right off the bat, swearing that i will not get attached in such a short period of time.. but as much as i swear these things to myself and others, its all bullshit. its a vicious cycle, its who i am, its how i deal. i hate it but i havent been able to change it.. i guess im too anxious to find something beautiful again, so i can never be one of those girls that pushes people away.. even if i am scared, i could never push away someone i liked. i welcome it, i am the too vulnerable one always. i wish i could find a happy medium. how the hell can i wake up, come downstairs, and spill all of this out? i didnt even know it was in there. #

( 12:15 PM ) kate
dawson's creek has a funny way of hitting these weird buttons inside me. youre gonna wake up one day in a cold sweat when you realize that you didnt give it the proper goodbye.. and i know that.. and i just dont know how to do it. too bad i totally remember seeing that episode in the beginning of junior year and crying my eyes out during joey and audreys conversation. i know hes out there somewhere, falling in and out of love with girls who arent me. oh the memories. god, i remember so vividly watching that episode on my parents bed and just sobbing. and now it hits twice as hard, because now we actually are going to college. for one episode, we matched ages with them and it was too sad. i just dont know how to properly do this summer. i dont know how to say goodbye and not have any regrets. i am so scared that its going to slip away from me and suddenly ill find myself waking up in a cold sweat in my dorm room regretting the way i handled everything. i dont want these moments to get away. im just scared. #

( 9:56 AM ) kate
well yeah. its safe to say that these past few days have been very.. angry. embarassed. super hurt. pissed off. bitter. did i mention angry. ahh. oh well enough of that. seriously: not worth it. moving on to bigger and better things.. this week looks semi exciting with our nice little road trip down to our state capital for a good old fashioned 90's concert. haha. im pumped, more for the concert and less for the 2 hour drive. my atm card finally came so i am now free to use my money as i wish. im not sure if thats a good or bad thing. well as exciting as this is, im about to go sit in front of the tv for some quality dawsons creek :) seeya later #

( 6:27 PM ) kate
today was a shitty day at work, and im really hoping that positive energy hits me tonight because i need to have FUN! hopefully i will be surprised by another nice phone call.. and then theres the one that is never going to come, but ok. enough of that. whatever will be will be. peace #

( 1:45 AM ) kate
tonight i am feeling pukey and homesick. my mom isnt here which adds to the nausea and pain, but mostly it stems from someone who totally shouldnt be worth it. but alas.. he is. i hate these aftershocks. i hate the vicious cycle. friends tell you hes an asshole, not to let it get to you. for a few days you enjoy hearing about how much he sucks, and then you start to change and defend the boy and get bitter with your friends who were only trying to help you in the first place. then you end up being angry at everyone and just wanting to disappear. crawl in a black hole or something. grr. funny thing is, ive only known this one for a few months and somehow he has the power to fuck with me this much. dude im screwed. this really hasnt happened in two years. you may think it has.. you may look at other boys in my life, one in particular, since the first blow up and think that they did this to me.. but he really didnt. for some reason, it was nothing like this. maybe because i pulled the plug. maybe because we werent even unofficially together. maybe because at the time i didnt care about him as much. who the hell knows. i for one am glad that i havent had this feeling three times. twice is enough. i just keep wondering why the hell this kid can do this to me as much as someone i was intertwined with for three years did. i just dont get it. mostly im baffled. he does have this look in his eyes.. theres just something shady.. theres so much i want to dig up. so much i want to know. i dont want to be so confused. maybe its because i knew the other one soo well. i knew there was nothing else there to figure out, it was just over. it hurt, but this strangely hurts as bad in a different way. in some ways it hurts more. aagh. where are you? i honestly just miss you. i want to talk, i want to be friends.. i dont want it to be like it was tonight. i dont want that avoidance, the awkwardness. that feeling in my stomach, the shaky hands.. that knowing that you are in the room, or nearby, the feeling i had every day in english this year.. math junior year.. i HATE that feeling and i just want us to be normal, i want us to be able to laugh and joke about everything so it doesnt bug me as much. i want to be friends that can look back at the relationship and smile. i want you to be there when i go to school, i want to be able to call you and be comforted, i want to feel safe again. i want to chill with you. ok thats all. i wish i could make sense of my emotions and im still struggling with that whole im only really going to be here with jillian and michelle for about two weeks before they leave for school. and then that whole dan leaving for fucking brasil, thats a good one. theres just too much for me to have to go through nights like tonight and end up fucking overanalyzing everything and just hoping and praying that he sort of half thought about it once. and then theres always mr. high school, the one ill forever remeber as numero uno. i need to gather all of my strength to attempt one last goodbye talk/letter/something or else i think ill regret it the rest of my life. OK and now i really need to goo tooo sleeeep. thank you all. i apologize for thinking. really, i do. #

look inside my wild mind