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Thursday, August 28, 2003 ( 12:31 PM ) kate i wonder if people see me for the ridiculous hypocrite that i am. maybe they are just too nice to say anything.. but god i cant even stand myself when i do it. and i dont even know how to make it stop. because i overcompensate how "over" something i am or how happy i feel and its all bullshit. i really wish i could say something made me realize how much i deserve, how over someone i am, how much of a jerk someone is.. but really i am the one missing it all over again. and the stupid little white lies somehow always escalate and suddenly im blatantly lying to my best friends. maybe im the reason i havent talked to someone in over two years. maybe.. maybe i was the one who pulled the plug and couldnt be friends.. because i knew that i would really never get over it that way. maybe ive been lying to myself and everyone for so long about that. maybe this song keeps playing over and over on my computer because it rings so true with these two people who dont know each other at all but who have had the exact same affect on my life. and i brush it off, i talk shit, god its like my friends dont even know.. its like i have been putting on this act even for them. which is why im so messed up, which is why i am still bitter and angry and resentful and hurt and sad over something that happened so long. which is why i let it happen to me again.. its like i never learned. only this time, i talked. i attempted something new. no one understands how fucked up my head is over this. its like my life revolves around this one person who isnt in my life anymore and everything i do is with that person in mind. its like my entire life will be compared to the way we talked about it. it haunts me. it has set the stage for the rest of my life, my love life. i have tried endlessly to make it go away and it never will. and now its like im experimenting with how the frienship could have worked with this. its sick, its like they are playing the same role.. i cant explain this. and the one healthy thing, the person who is so different and on a completely different level.. someone who makes me forget, someone who scares me with reality and truth and someone who makes me feel things i have honestly never felt.. and they have no idea, i could never tell them how much more me i feel around them. i could never expose that much. and its funny you know because people think that i am the most over exposed person but now im just beginning to think that i have mastered the art of subtle lies and sarcasm and laughing things off.. because the truth is i dont let anything go.. i save all my crap, we know that. but i also save things inside of me. i have more memories of stupid shit than anyone you know. i am overflowing with memories and thoughts and things people have said. its so much to handle. its like a curse and a gift. i cant control it. it makes me so confused and ahh. its like my head is spinning constantly and i could never express to you how much that just disappears when im with you. and the sad thing is, some of my best friends will be reading this and not know who or what i am talking about. i should just delete it because it makes no sense anyways. just random ramblings. and this stupid song wont go away since i rediscovered it. "how do you block the sound of a voice you'd know anywhere"........."i really should have known by the time you drove me home by the vagueness in your eyes your casual goodbyes by the chill in your embrace the expression on your face"......."how do you free your soul after youve found a friend.. how do you teach your heart its a crime to fall in love again" "you probly wont remember me its probly ancient history im one of the chosen few who went ahead and fell for you"......i fell too fast. i feel too much. i really do. # Sunday, August 24, 2003 ( 12:57 AM ) kate feelin pretty shitty. how much would it suck to get sick now, with two weeks left before school? i really just cant afford to be sick on top of dealing with leaving for school. ahh. fuck this shit man. ahh whatever. my mixed emotions about the whole thing havent gotten way out of hand. i know it will be good, i just wish i felt better. im excited and anxious to go because there are only a few people left here, and its soo incredibly weird being left in lakewood with most of my friends at college. i know i dont understand what it feels like to be at college yet, but they dont really understand how shitty it feels here. i hate that.. mutual not understanding with people who are supposed to understand every feeling, thought, emotion. im also scared shitless and totally not ready to leave because of my family. my family and my house and my comfort zone. its like even though my friends are gone, my house is still the same and being here is the most comforting thing. being out in lakewood with nothing to do.. not so comforting without my usual driving around buddies.. but home is still home. family is family. i just need to sleep. maybe ill actually sleep in my own bed tonight. we'll see about that one. to all my friends who have already ventured into the world of college: i miss you like hell and i cherish the times we get to talk, because it really is the highlight of my day. even though im not physically there just remember i am a phone call away and i love you all so much # |
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